We all want to find a romantic relationship partner to fulfill our need for love and deeper connection. Sometimes jealousy can get in the way. Jealousy can cause problems of establishing and maintaining long-term romantic relationships. It’s self-destructive and anxiety provoking.
Jealousy can make you contempted to look for outside threats that may lead you to loss of significant others. More than often it’s a mind trick. Jealousy is often driven by your inner emotional world and not the actual reality. It mirrors what is happening inside of you and is less about your partner preferring someone else.
Origin of jealousy
People who struggle with jealousy often have troubled childhoods. Jealousy is a reflection of unresolved emotional needs that weren’t satisfied in childhood. From the developmental point of you, there is a part of you which is still in maturity as a child.This child is scared and frustrated that he will not get the love, security he deserves.
Maybe your parents didn’t provide enough safety and love that would satisfy your needs to the point where you felt fulfilled and safe with what you have, who you are. Over time starvation of not having enough caused you to develop an emotional hole that is hard to fulfill.
Now as an adult when you have the opportunity to establish deeper connections, romantic relationships you always fear that you may lose this object that will satisfy, fulfill your needs of love. You are always on the edge of losing and never feel safe about the future of relationships.
Signs of jealousy:
- You feel not worthy enough to be loved of who you are;
- You are obsessed with thoughts that your significant other likes someone else better;
- You worry that you will lose your partner, be abandoned;
- Your behavior changes when you are around person your jealous of;
- You try to be someone else, a more happy, funny, smarter, better looking person then someone else.
- You become controlling – your worry where your partner is, what does he do, with who they are with;
- You stalk your partner – your worry who they might text or call, how they behave in social situations, etc;
- You become clingy and have a hard time being alone.
How to stop being jealous in a relationship
1. Challenge the belief that your significant other is somehow yours
Jealousy can make you over protective and entitled to feel that your significant other somehow belongs only to you. If you assume that something is yours then there will always be a problem of losing, needing to control in order to not lose. More mature, healthy approach to this problem should be assuming that every person has freedom of choice. They can choose whatever is best for them at any point of relationship.
You can even make a quote for yourself and repeat it several times during the day: ,,Every person, at any time of relationship is free to do whatever they want.” If they want to leave they are free to do so. They owe nothing to you at any point of relationship. You should always respect other partners’ needs and opinions.
2. Learn to self-regulate your emotions and behavior
Jealousy can be nerve wrecking and drive you crazy. First thing you have to admit to yourself is that you are really scared, in fear of losing your significant other. Acknowledge it, own it and be really patient with yourself because you have inner work to do. Second, while you may feel fear of losing, you have to also stop practicing behaviors that maintain and fuel your jealousy.
Self-regulation here is the key. Stop engaging in behaviors like stalking, paying too much attention to whom your significant other might be spending time with. With whom they might talk to or how much they enjoy talking with the opposite sex. Engaging in these behaviors actually makes your jealousy even worse. Rewiring your brain is hard but try to slowly switch your focus elsewhere. Pay as little attention as you can. Give your mind conscious signals that your significant other talking with someone else doesn’t put your relationship in danger. Try to re-evaluate these events as nonsignificant as you can and slowly you will regain calmness within yourself.
3. Learn to let go
When you slowly start to gain back control over jealousy, keep reminding yourself that it’s not in your control if the other person chooses to be with you or not. Sometimes unfortunate life circumstances happen and relationships break up. You have to be able to let other people go at any point in time.
Jealousy can make you fear that others might take what you have but when you no longer hold onto something then there is nothing to fear to lose. Jealous people often have attachment issues so they have a hard time letting go. Caring too much and trying to hold on to something often provokes fear of losing and jealousy.